Flush

I picked MG up from daycare today. Usually when I pick her up, little is said.

Today, not so much.

Yesterday, MG "painted" her fingernails with markers (Thank you mother for doing that over the weekend. Now MG thinks it's fun). She also "put on makeup" using said markers. I let the daycare know that the rules at home would've had the markers taken away and replaced with pencil crayons (I gave up on regular crayons because she eats them). But really, no harm no foul. Right?

Then, the teacher asked MG what she did today. I couldn't quite make out the mumbled words but it turns out she took Jack's toothbrush (he's another daycare kid), threw it in the toilet and flushed.

I. Shit. You. Not.

According to MG, it was decided that since SHE got a new toothbrush this morning that Jack should ALSO have a new one. Good thing I have an extra one here.... because we'll be taking it to the kid tomorrow.

But my big question is this: how the heck do you NOT laugh at that??

It's Her Day (OART #10)

Given that MG's birthday was just this last Saturday, this topic is at the forefront of my mind right now so the timing is quite perfect.

Everybody has a birthday and that is the day we celebrate for MG. She wasn't part of our family yet but it's still the day she entered this world and it's the only day we plan on remembering. When I think back to that time, my memories may not be of her actual birth but I do know exactly where I was and what I was doing when she was born. And I remember exactly how I was feeling.

That day will hold it's own set of memories for everyone else involved in her story. I have no doubt that L has very mixed emotions on that day and it may well be a long time before she ever calls MG to wish her a "happy birthday" on the actual day. Or it may be never. Would I love to have those calls come? You better believe it. Would I love to see a letter or email come from L? Of course! Mostly, I would like to see that day recognized, for MG's sake, in any way at all. At this point, she's too young to notice but eventually, that ice will need to be broken.

From Grandma J, we had a gift arrive on our doorstep a few weeks ago. I know it's a symbol that she remembers the day, or more importantly, the entire year of missed moments. Again, MG is too young to really "get it" just yet but as time goes on, the timing of these gifts will not go unnoticed and I think it will be significant for MG to know she isn't forgotten on that day.

As an adult, I know without a doubt that L and all of those who know about MG are thinking of her a lot during this time. I understand that for whatever the reasons, phone calls don't come at this stage of the game. It doesn't bother me because it doesn't bother MG... yet. But eventually the lack of acknowledgment will be noticed by MG and her perception of it could be far from the truth, no matter what I tell her. In this age of instant access, she is going to at least expect a text message from L and Grandma J. Yet I still prefer this to be something THEY want to do and not something that was mandated by an agreement.

I always say, actions speak louder than words. I have the utmost confidence that by the time MG is older, she will indeed receive any validation she may require from her extended family because the long & short of it is they love her and they want her to know that.

Happy Birthday MG!

Today, my baby is 3.

It sure goes by fast.

A Real Letter

Do people actually write those these days? Does anyone actually use snail mail anymore? Or is it all electronic email?

Oh wait, I know one person who does.... Grandma J. How do I know that? Because I just opened up an envelope filled with old photos and a letter from her filled with tidbits of L's history as a child.

Cool.

** if you are new to my blog, L is my daughters birthmom and Grandma J is L's mom.

Some Days

Some days, parenting is hard. Not exactly a news flash, I know, because some days, life in general is hard no matter who you are and where you are in life.

What parenting gives you is an extra trigger. There are days when I wish I had stayed in bed. Traffic is mayhem, work is a bitch and I'm bloated and PMS'y. Then I see that smiling blonde haired, blue eyed bundle of energy screaming "MOMMY" and it's all wiped away in an instant. Or it's the opposite - I've had a relatively good day but get tested to the limit by the antics of a toddler. Some days, that limit takes a lot to reach.... others, not so much. But for the most part, I try really hard to start the day off in a positive manner for both myself and MG.

Our morning routine includes the battle of the tv, the battle of the toothbrush, the battle of the shoes and a general battle of the wills. Some days, we're on the same page - she's willing and I'm patient. Those are the good days. Some days, I'm in a rush and she isn't going to have any part of it. But no matter what, whenever I drop her off, there are lots of hugs, kisses and "I love you's".

What I've noticed though is another mother - who I don't see every day but often enough. I've yet to see her wearing anything but a scowl on her face. I've yet to see her have any positive words for her daughter. This morning she didn't even muster a hug or a kiss good-bye. And when I've seen her in the afternoon's, she's been speaking angrily at her child. This morning as I walked away from a smiling MG, I was left wondering if this woman was happy.

I'm sure she has good days - I just haven't seen them yet. And I wonder what life must be like at home for that little girl. I hope it's not all sour grapes... but I guess I'll never know. I have no control over that woman or her world... just my own.

Parenting is hard but it's also rewarding if we are able to take the time to see the beautiful gifts it can bring.

OART #9

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

A lot of my beliefs regarding adoption and openness in adoption were formed long before I ever thought I would be an adoptive mom, long before I ever experienced infertility.

As a teen, I dated (and almost married!) a guy who was an adoptee. He knew a bit about his bio parents but never saw a reason to find them or learn more. That was a bizarre notion to me - I just couldn't imagine not knowing anything about them or what similarities there may be.

As an adult, I found myself dating a man (now DH) who has a half sister that had been placed for adoption. A sister he knew nothing about for a good portion of his life. By the time I came on the scene, reunion had long since happened and a relationship had begun to form. I was enthralled with this relationship and I watched with interest at the different dynamics between my now MIL, my SIL, DH and all the other people now involved in the adoption "triad".

And then I found myself walking down the road towards becoming an adoptive mom... full of questions. Questions for the adoptee. Questions for the b-mom. Questions for the a-mom. And questions for myself and where my heart & head truly was.

Openness for me isn't just about having medical history or knowing how to contact MG's birthfamily when she wants to. It's about forming a life long relationship between a myriad of people who all have one thing in common - love for a little girl. Why would I deprive her, or any of us for that matter, of that love?

Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG's birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it. Sure, when MG is older she'll be able to make her own decisions regarding contact but until then, I am the keeper of that relationship and it's up to me to ensure I give it every opportunity to grow and flourish. In time, it will become a part of her life and she will have to reconcile it with who she is.

But for now, we explain the aspects of adoption. We tell her about HER story and most importantly, we let her know that she is lucky to have so many people that care about her and love her. And when a gift shows up on our doorstep, like it did last week, I get to tell my daughter it's from her OH family. I don't feel fear. I don't feel panic. I just feel the joy emanating from my daughter as she tears open the package and smiles into the camera, saying "thank you Grandma J".

3 Years

It hit me last night.... and just now as I'm sitting at my desk here at work...

Exactly 3 years ago today, at roughly this time (1-ish), I got THE call. The call that would forever change my life. I can't help but think back to that time and you know, it's all a blur. Time has eased the pain and a special little girl filled that empty spot in my heart.

I remember it was a frenzied time - we had very little notice and 5 days later we were on a pre-planned vacation to the DR, still undecided about what we wanted to do. Obviously it all turned out for the best but we didn't know that then. We had no idea just how much our lives would change that day, no idea at all.

To put it bluntly - we were scared shitless!!

I'm glad we took a leap of faith and got a chance to complete our family. I'm glad we didn't let fear get the better of us. I'm glad things have worked out for us.

Did I just see that?

I was scouring Craigsl1st this evening for nothing in particular and decided I'd have a peek to see if I could find any adoption related books in my area.

Instead, I found an ad for a prospective adoptive parent. And she offered $$, which is illegal here in Canada.

I just about barfed.

I admit, I flagged the post. I am not sure if it goes against CL rules or not but it bugged me to see it on there and the way it was worded.... Like I said, I almost barfed. What I did do that was more pro-active was send her an email suggesting she contact an agency and get some education on the subject.

On a positive note, I also found a post for a birthmother support group in my area.

All Hype??

Just out of curiousity, what is the level of hype surrounding the H.1.N.1 in your area (if any)?

The vaccine has only just been released here in Canada and people are either very ANTI vaccination or freaking out completely. I'm torn.

There is a part of me that says NO WAY, even though I am asthmatic and for the last few years I've gotten the regular flu shot. And there is a part of me that says "DUH, get it" because I wouldn't hesitate to get something to fight a number of other diseases such as polio, Rubella (which I had to update before ttc), small pocks or meningitis.

And the biggest question of all: what about MG? I am so freaking torn. She is up to date with all her regular vaccines so does it make sense that I would get her this one or not??

I think I'm freaking out because a 13 yr old healthy boy died in Toronto yesterday and a healthy young woman in her 20's died here in BC last week. There is a part of me, a small but vocal part, that is scared.

I will make my mind up based on my Dr's advice, but I am curious where everyone else stands on the issue.